She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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