Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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