5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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