all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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