Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Randomize
