Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
