He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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