I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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