I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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