I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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