I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
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I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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