I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
