Don't make out with my wife yet
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
