I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
