Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
