just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
