I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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