i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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