somebody snuck up and got me drunk
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
