id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
