I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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