im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do vagina's smell?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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