i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
