I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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