Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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