Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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