I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
