its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
