He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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