I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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