The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
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I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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