Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
