my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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