just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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