my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs