____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
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He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.