I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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