Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
