But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
