You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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