and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
