Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
