just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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