He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
