I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
