why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
