Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
