I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The air was thick with penises
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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