I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
