I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
