Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
