if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
