I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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