I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
