Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
